The Poltergeist's Report
by PatientNumber1889053
Summary: Alisa Bannings was your normal high school student who didn't give a damn...before she got caught in an accident that would turn her life, her afterlife, and her beliefs upside-down.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha

**WARNINGS: **Alternate Universe, Possible Out-Of-Character Characters, Possible nonsensical plot

**The Poltergeist's Report**

Chapter 1:

Out of Work, Out of Life

With the dying rays of the setting sun comes rush hour in Uminari City, when people are usually searching for a place to hang out, hurrying to get to their homes or to their workplace, or just simply idling about watching other people run by.

Though, for this afternoon on a certain street, the bystanders were now watching something they might need counseling for, the rushing people were now either frozen to the spot or screaming their heads off, and the rest were now trying to get their hands on an ambulance as soon as possible.

"…Dammit, what the hell is with all this noise?"

Amidst all this chaos, one person remains clueless: Alisa Bannings, age 17, to-be-second year high school student.

…It seems she just woke up from a nap.

"Wh-What in the world happened? !"

"Mama, Mama! There's some red pee coming out of that Nee-chan's head! Is that her brain?"

"Kotaro! Now's not the time to be asking that!"

"I don't think this one's going to make it!"

"You idiot, don't say such things!"

"Ambulance! ! Someone call an ambulance!"

Alisa yawned as she rubbed her eyes. "Ambulance…? There's an accident?"

Oh, _now_ she notices.

"Make way! Make way!" Men dressed in white emerged from the unruly throng of people, and immediately scanned the scene. Curious, Alisa followed suit, and gasped at what she saw.

A teenage girl of average height, about seventeen or eighteen years of age. Her short blonde hair was splayed over the pavement, the strands heavily stained with the growing pool of blood. And, though the red fluid was running all over, Alisa could clearly see and recognize the pained face…that was her own.

The blonde stood frozen to the spot until she heard footsteps from behind and felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Crap, I'm sorry to keep you waiting…"

Alisa turned around, and her eyes met with someone she never expected to meet after dying.

"I'm here to—…Alisa?"

The newcomer had blonde hair of a slightly more golden shade, and was tied up by two ribbons. A black cape swirled around her, covering her bare shoulders and something that looked like a black top and a skirt joined by a belt that had the same color as the blood-red orbs staring back at her.

Regardless of the very pointed-looking scythe she was carrying and whatever the hell this person was wearing in broad daylight, Alisa recognized the taller blonde within milliseconds.

"Fate…" The name came out as a murmur instead of an incredulous remark, but the girl's next sentence managed to voice out most of her thoughts. "What the hell? !"

…Unfortunately all of those thoughts (both concerning what had happened and why on earth was her friend wearing something no one in their right mind would wear within Uminari City) were in a jumble, and it looked as though the other blonde was just as confused as she was.

"I should be the one asking you that! You're not supposed to be dead yet!" Fate frowned, running a hand through her hair before giving the other girl a concerned look. "What happened?"

Alisa twitched. "I wake up and find out that I'm dead, then my best friend shows up in a swimsuit and cape and asks me 'what happened' like I broke her neighbor's vase!"

Fate blushed. "It's not a swimsuit! It's a Barrier Jacket!"

The smaller blonde rolled her eyes. "'Barrier Jacket', my ass! It barely covers anything! And if you knew I was supposed to be pushing daisies by this afternoon, why the hell didn't you tell me I was going to die during lunch? !"

"Oh sure! Why didn't I just casually say…'Hi Alisa, sorry to say this but you're going to die this afternoon! How about we grab some parfait before you kick the bucket?'" The other girl shot back, red eyed boring into green. "Oh wait, I can't! Because my list says you're supposed to be alive!"

Alisa blinked. "…Wait. If I'm not supposed to die today, why can I do this?" she asked, swinging her arm, which kept passing through the bald man beside her.

"Because, for some reason, you're dead." Calming down, Fate rubbed her temples. _I honestly hoped that I would be retired from this by the time Alisa dies…ah, what bad luck…_ "Now, can you please tell me what happened so we can sort this out?"

"Well…"

(*_*) The Poltergeist Report (X_X)

_"We'll call you back. Thank you for your time."_

_Alisa Bannings stuffed her hands into her pockets as she walked away from the store, rolling her eyes after the store clerk headed back. _She may have sounded sincere, but her expression definitely tells it all, _she thought to herself._

_That was currently the seventh store she had applied to since she had lost her job, and that was only two days ago. The blonde frowned at her progress._ They say seven is a lucky number but at this rate I won't be able to get a motorcycle by Christmas_…_

("You want to buy a motorcycle? Do you know _how_ much those things can shorten your lifespan?" "I don't want to hear that from you Miss I-Got-a-Ducati-for-my-Birthday-and-Nearly-Crashed-it-into-a-Tree-Three-Minutes-Later! Stop ruining my flashback!")

_Either way, that thought renewed her vigor as her eyes scanned store windows for other job offers, before she saw something unusual being reflected in a store window. _

_The glint of a gun. _

("_…_and you didn't scream your head off, even though you were bat-shit scared of guns? Wow, I think I respect you a lot more now, Alisa." "_…_Your respect doesn't show, Fate. Now can you please stop interrupting me?")

_…_What the fuck? This is the business district filled with all sorts of public buildings_…Alisa thought as she scowled. _No one would dare shoot with hundreds of people in the same room_…_unless_…_ _She looked up._ _"Oh, _shit_." _

_Without thinking _("Ah, finally something Alisa-like! For a second there I thought you were replaced by some creepy demon!" "Shut up!"), _the blonde sprinted to where the unknown assailant was targetting: a woman by the crosswalk. "Watch out!"_

_BANG!_

_Her hand roughly brushed against something rather soft and ample, but that thought was immediately chucked aside as pain seared through her head. Legs failing to support her, Alisa had her last thoughts while the bloody side of her head kissed the pavement, her face taking on a rebellious smirk even on her last moment. _

Purple_… _

Red_…_eyes_…_

_"Heh…so this is…y…Fate…"_

(X_X) The Poltergeist Report (*_*)

"…And that's what happened." The shorter blonde finished, shrugging. "I think."

When Fate stayed silent, Alisa turned to her best friend, who had a teary-eyed expression. "What?"

On cue, the other blonde wiped a rather fake-looking tear from her eye, and replied. "Your last word was 'Fate'…" An equally-fake sniffle. "Honestly buddy, I didn't know you cared about me that much."

The dead teen rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to whack her companion upside the head. _If I do that and my hand passes through her head, Fate's gonna laugh her ass off and I might eliminate any trace of respect left for me in this world._ "Idiot. I meant 'Fate' as in destiny, not you."

Fully-recovered, Fate the person shrugged. "It's my job to hand out all the bad luck, so it's the same thing. Speaking of jobs…" She frowned. "…What the hell am I supposed to do with you?"

The other blonde frowned back. "You're serious? Aren't you supposed to ferry me to the other side, or something?"

"I can't." The girl shook her head, "You aren't supposed to be dead, remember?"

Alisa scowled. "So we're screwed?"

The blonde rubbed her temples. "That sums up the situation quite well."

Alisa groaned. "Of all the—"

_"Sir, incoming call from Headquarters."_

Upon hearing the monotonous male voice, all of the dead girl's train of thoughts stopped as she turned to the object Fate was holding in her right hand. "Did your scythe just _talk_?"

"_Affirmative."_

Alisa twitched. "Scratch that. Did your scythe just talk _to me? !"_

"_Sir, I am detecting large amounts of hysteria and a loss of sanity from Civilian Bannings. Requesting permission to stabilize?"_

Fate sighed. "It's okay, Bardiche. You know my friend didn't have much sanity to begin with."

_Bardiche…_ The dead girl thought, her eyes widening as she remembered. "You're telling me that's your freaking _guitar? !"_

"_Affirmative."_ The scythe paused, before speaking again as its yellow orb blinked twice. "_Sir, incoming call from Headquarters."_

Barely feeling her sanity stepping an inch closer out of her head, Alisa chucked away the fact that scythes weren't supposed to have deep mechanical voices and snickered at another thing she noticed. "It calls you '_Sir'_?"

Fate glared at the other girl, but decided to let it go, _for now_. "I'll have to answer this call. Don't go anywhere until I get back."

"Like I have a choice." The dead girl snorted as she crossed her arms and watched her best friend walk away with Bardiche, seeing a small screen pop out as she squinted. Using her trained spying (read: eavesdropping) senses, Alisa tried to listen in on Fate's conversation with a familiar-looking man. _That must be Fate's boss…_

"_There's a…now?"_

_"Yeah, but …supposed to…"_

_"Who's the…"_

_"Ba…sa."_

_"The…?"_

_"Yeah." _

_"Then…no choice."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Mm…sides…Bring…"_

_"…now? Surely…other-"_

_"Now, Fate."_

_"…Yes sir."_

_What the…_ Seeing the screen disappear, Alisa put her hands behind her head as Fate came back looking rather confused. Sensing the slight distress, the dead girl looked up and decided to diffuse the situation. "That boss of yours looks like your brother."

The other blonde hardly bat an eyelid. "My boss _is_ my brother."

Alisa gawked. "_For real_? ! What's his job, Santa Claus? !"

"Nah_…"_ Fate grinned. "_…_That's Alicia's job."

The dead girl twitched.

"Well_…" _Still smiling, the other girl tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'd like to point and laugh at your twitching face, but I think I'll do that later. Nii-san said he needs us at Headquarters. Now."

_Hm? 'us'?_ Alisa raised an eyebrow. "He's gonna do something about me being dead?"

"Something like that." Fate nodded, before her smile morphed into a thin, solemn line. "Congratulations, Alisa. You just got yourself a job."

Chapter 1

Out of Work, Out of Life

End

**A/N:** To whoever figures out from which series I'm referencing with this story just by reading…you freaking rock. \m/ *_* \m/

Before anyone starts asking me 'WHERE THE HECK IS SUZUKA YOU TROLL THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALISAXSUZUKA RAWR' or any other stuff like that, Suzuka _will_ come (*cough*hopefully*cough*). For those willing to argue, let me say it in bold (yes, Umineko mode, because I can.): **Suzuka Tsukimura has not yet appeared in this story, but will make her appearance soon.**

This will be part of a series of AU fics I'd like to name 'The Yagami Yuri Brigade'. Hopefully I get to finish them…before I die. So to those interested, please wait for it. *bows*

Thank you for reading! Don't hesitate to drop me a review!


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